Lissie & Lilly: The NOT Snow White! (Photostory)
Welcome back to the L&L Theater Ladies and Gentlemen! We’ve
prepared for you tonight a tale filled with misguided intentions, inappropriate
behavior, and technological advances! A tale more fabulous than air
conditioning in summer, more relieving than a full roll of toilet paper, and
sure to please all but those who are not pleased! Presenting… Snow White (Not)!
Narrator: Once upon a time,
in a place that was neither here nor there, but definitely somewhere, there
lived a princess so lovely she didn’t even know she was lovely. The Queen
Mother had passed away shortly after she was born, but before then, she gave
her daughter the name Snow White. This was a source of constant consternation
for the poor princess who did not like the snow and certainly didn’t want to be
white like it. Nonetheless, she did her best and faithfully dressed in the snow
whitest linens she could find despite a little nagging voice in her head
telling her white was a terribly inconvenient color.
Narrator: Many years later,
Snow White’s father decided that it was unseemly to be without a queen to
balance out family portraits so he remarried. The new Queen was so beautiful
she knew exactly how beautiful she was.
Snow Cecile: Welcome to the
palace Stepmother! I hope you find everything here to your liking. Please let
me know if there is anything I can do to make you comfortable.
Queen Lydia: Thank you Snow
White. I wonder if you could tell me if there is a proper sized mirror in the
palace?
Snow Cecile: A mirror,
Stepmother? Is that the thing that farmers use to start bonfires by reflecting
the sun? I don’t believe I have ever seen one but perhaps there is one buried in one of the towers.
Narrator: The Queen had
brought her own small mirror with her but did not expect to find that no one at
the palace knew what a mirror was.
Queen Lydia: Peasants! The
lot of them! How else does one reaffirm one’s beauty without a mirror? How can
anyone know what they’re worth without knowing how beautiful they are? I would
have brought my large ceiling to floor wall mirror if I had known how backwards these
people are. This one is much too small. I need something magnamous enough for
me to be in awe at my own glory.
Queen Lydia: *Cough cough*
My goodness! There’s so much dust up here that the last time this room was
opened people still thought women shouldn’t be paid equally for doing the same
work as men! Hmmm… old clothes, old furniture, old skeletons, nothing. I guess
it was too much to hope –
Queen Lydia: Wait, what’s
this bulky thing mummified over here? Let me get this off, hup!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mirror Lilly: Will you stop
that please?
Queen Lydia:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! IT’S A FACE!!!!!!!! IT’S A TALKING FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mirror Lilly: That’s awfully
rude and obvious! My name is Sawako Lilly, the Mirror of Truth. I won’t tell
any lies and I do excellent Plato impressions.
Queen Lydia: AHHHHHHH –
Wait, you mean you’ll answer any question I ask you honesty?
Mirror Lilly: To the best of
my ability! And although my Aristotle impression isn’t as good as my Plato, I’m rather
adept at that as well.
Queen Lydia: In that case
you’re coming with me. I’ve got some questions for you. Well, only one question
but I’ll have to verify it twenty eight times a day.
Mirror Lilly: Hurray! I
can’t wait to leave this musty old attic! You don’t even know! The last time I
saw a human face people still thought women shouldn’t vote.
Queen Lydia: There we go,
perfect!
Mirror Lilly: My, you have a
large room your majesty.
Queen Lydia: What use is a
large room without without a large mirror? Now answer me, mirror, mirror, propped
on my vanity, who’s the fairest of them all?
Mirror Lilly: Why, I suppose
that must be cadavers or vampires your majesty. They have no blood which is why
their skin is so pale.
Queen Lydia: No! Who’s the
most beautiful woman in all the land?
Mirror Lilly: That would
have to be you, though I should point out –
Queen Lydia: Hahaha! I knew
it! My beauty is unparalleled! See you later Mirror! I’ll be back after I go
bask in my own presence.
Snow Cecile: Wait! Stop
rolling, that’s Stepmother’s room!
Snow Cecile: There you are.
I guess my calves are a lot stronger than I gave them credit for.
Mirror Lilly: Hello there!
Snow Cecile: Goodness! You
startled me! Hello to you too …?
Mirror Lilly: Sawako Lilly,
the Mirror of Truth. I won’t tell any lies and I do excellent Plato impressions
though my Aristotle isn’t too shabby either.
Snow Cecile: My, you are
talented! I can’t do any impressions though I confess I am rather good at
charades.
Mirror Lilly: Charades? How
fun! I love a good game of charades! Though the last time I saw it being played
women weren’t allowed to participate.
Snow Cecile: That’s really
such a shame. My name is Snow White, by the way.
Mirror Lilly: It’s such a
pleasure to meet you! Other than the Queen, I haven’t seen anyone else. Do you
have any questions for me? I promise I’ll answer to the best of my ability.
Snow Cecile: Not really.
Well, actually, do you know why my mother named me Snow White? I don’t like
snow nor am I white so it’s always confused me.
Mirror Lilly: I’m sorry, I
can only speak the truth and the truth is I don’t know. I’ve never met your
mother.
Snow Cecile: That’s quite
alright, thank you anyway! I must leave now but it was very nice meeting you.
Mirror Lilly: Bye bye! Come
by and visit any time!
Queen Lydia: Ah, I am here,
fully rejuvenated by everyone’s praise.
Mirror Lilly: Welcome back
your majesty! While you were out, a wonderful –
Queen Lydia: Mirror, mirror,
on my vanity! Who’s the fair-no, who is the most beautiful in all the land?
Mirror Lilly: Didn’t you
just ask me this? Of course it’s you. No! Wait a moment, actually. I honestly
say you and Snow White are both beautiful!
Queen Lydia: What? WHAT?
Snow White???
Mirror Lilly: Yes, you know
her? She’s such a delight!
Queen Lydia: Guards! Send
for the Huntsman!
Huntsman MG: You summoned me
Your Highness?
Queen Lydia: Get rid of Snow
White! This instant!
Huntsman MG: Get rid of Snow
White? What –
Queen Lydia: It doesn’t
matter! I don’t care how you do it, just get rid of her!
Huntsman MG: But –
Queen Lydia: Do you dare
defy the most beautiful woman in all the land? Go now!!!
Huntsman MG: Your Majesty!
Snow Cecile: Oh Huntsman,
how can I help you? Why do you have such a confused expression?
Huntsman MG: Well, I’ve been
given some very vague instructions and I’m not quite sure how to carry them
out. The Queen has told me to get rid of you, but she never said how or where.
Snow Cecile: Get rid of me?
Whatever could she mean?
Huntsman MG: That’s just the
problem Princess, I couldn’t get anything else from her other than “Get rid of
her”.
Snow Cecile: I think that’s
her way of showing how confident she is in you! She must believe you’re clever
enough to figure it out on your own.
Huntsman MG: I didn’t think
of it that way. Why, in that case, I know! I’ll take you into the woods. It’s
beautiful this time of the year. It’s perfectly safe too since the animals this
time of year are so plump they’re not violent at all.
Snow Cecile: How exciting!
I’ve always wanted to explore the woods but Father wouldn’t allow me for fear I
would get lost.
Huntsman MG: Don’t worry
Princess! It’s a straight path so you can’t possibly get lost. I’m sure the
Queen will be pleased to hear how I’ve gotten rid of you in such a safe and
pleasant manner. Follow me Your Highness!
Narrator: The gallant
Huntsman guided Snow White to the edge of the woods and pointed out a
well-traveled path to her. With a light heart and thick soled shoes, Snow White
eagerly wandered into the thick trees and undergrowth.
Snow Cecile: These woods are
so splendid but it does tire a person out. I wonder if I should turn back and
head home now? Perhaps Father and Stepmother are worrying about me.
Snow Cecile: What’s that
across the lake? Oh it’s such a lovely cottage! I wonder who lives there.
Perhaps they’ll let me rest for a little before I return home.
Snow Cecile: Hello? Excuse
me, is anyone here? This is such a quaint, clean cottage but there doesn’t seem
to be much here. The people who live here must be the very practical sort.
Snow Cecile: I suppose this
is the kitchen table, though there isn’t food on it. My goodness, the poor
souls will come home hungry without having anything to eat. Perhaps I can try
my hand at preparing a meal for them. I make a mean crème brulee even if the
palace cooks didn’t want me using their blowtorch. Now where do they keep the
pans?
Snow Cecile: Finished! Oh
dear, I wonder if I didn’t make too much. I doubt anyone could eat 5 dishes of
crème brulee.
Dwarf Lissie: AHEM! And
EXCUSE ME! And also WHO ARE YOU?
Snow Cecile: Ahhh! You
startled me! Oh dear! I mean you all startled me. My name is Snow White. Is
this your home?
Dwarf Lissie: Princess Snow
White eh? Only the royal type have such little sense they would wear white!
What a ludicrous color for doing anything sensible! Putting aside the
inconsistencies of your name and your poor taste in sturdy fabrics, what are
you doing in the Den of the Daring Dwarves of Digging?
Snow Cecile: The Den of the
Daring Dwarves of Digging? Are you all dwarves? Even…
Dwarf Lissie: Of course I
am! I just have the recessive genes! And anyway, that still doesn’t explain
what you’re doing here Miss-Princess-Not-Snow-White.
Snow Cecile: I’m very sorry
for intruding and trespassing in your Den. My dear Stepmother asked our
Huntsman to get rid of me so he brought me here to the woods. I was just about
to head back when I saw your Den and hoped that I would be able to rest for a
bit before I left. I do apologize for coming in, but I’ll leave now.
Dwarf Lissie: Wait just a
moment! That’s fifty shades of rubbish! Why on flat and round earth are you
going back if your stepmother wants to get rid of you? You’re lucky the huntsman
brought you here instead of actually getting rid of you!
Snow Cecile: Why, she didn’t
specify how long she wanted to get rid of me so I assumed she left it up to me.
Besides, why would she want me gone for good? We’re already such good friends!
Dwarf Ivy: Hurry up, you’re
killing my shoulders Ruthie!
Dwarf Ruthie: Don’t shake
Ivy! I’ve almost got it.
Dwarf Cece: Hurry up you
guys or it’ll all be gone.
Dwarf Caroline: This is so
delicious!!! I can feel the fat thickening on my dwarfy thighs and I don’t even
care!
Dwarf Addy: What is this
anyway? I’ve never seen anything quite like it.
Dwarf Marie: Who cares what
it is? It’s in my stomach now! Come here Lissie!
Dwarf Lissie: What is it?
Can’t you see I’m busy!
Dwarf Addy: Never mind that,
come here and try this.
Dwarf Lissie: Mhmmmmm! What
is this? This is – Wait! Stop! That’s beside the point! I’m over here trying to
intimidate and interrogate this trespasser and you all are just stuffing your
faces like a whale at Krillfest with this… this… What is this gelatinous yellow
blob anyway?
Snow Cecile: It’s crème brulee!
What do you think of it? I was worried I made too much but not I’m worried I
might not have made enough.
Dwarf Ivy: The best thing
ever!
Dwarf Caroline: Gold for my
colon!
Dwarf Ruthie: Please stay
with us and make more!
Dwarf Lissie: Now see here
Ruthie, just because this princess can make the most delicious thing we’ve ever
had since popping out of the ground is no reason to invite her to move in.
Dwarf Cece: Why not? Seems
perfectly sensible to me.
Dwarf Marie: Don’t be such a
fuddy duddy Lissie. You know you want her to stay as much as we do. After all,
you’re certainly not going to send her back to the Queen are you?
Dwarf Lissie: Oh alright
then, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when the reputation of the Den of the
Daring Dwarves of Digging is ruined because we gave way to gustatory temptations!
Listen here Miss-Princess-Not-Snow-White, we, the Dwarves have voted to let you
remain with us under the condition you continue making this artery clogging
goodness. And change into a less white, more respectable color!
Snow Cecile: That would be
so wonderful! Thank you very much! I hope Father and Stepmother won’t mind if I
stay a few days extra. This is such a beautiful den after all. I’ll find
something to change into right away!
Huntsman MG: I have
returned, Your Highness.
Queen Lydia: Well? Did you
do as I commanded?
Huntsman MG: I have gotten
rid of the Princess, Your Majesty. Left her –
Queen Lydia: Body out for
the vultures? A tad harsh perhaps, but well done! Are you positive she is gone?
Huntsman MG: Oh yes, she is
quite gone, but I should add that her body –
Queen Lydia: Will never see
another midnight snack ever again! Wonderful Huntsman! Wonderful! You have done
exactly as I’ve asked!
Huntsman MG: Yes Your
Highness, but –
Queen Lydia: Leave me now
Huntsman, I will send for you when I need you. Now I must gloat! You may come
later to bask in my beauty during my working hours Monday through Fridays, nine
to six.
Huntsman MG: Yes, Your
Highness.
Queen Lydia: It is done! I
am finally rid of Snow White! Now, mirror, mirror, on my vanity, tell me, who
is the fairest-no wait, grah, I keep forgetting, who is the most beautiful in all the
land?
Mirror Lilly: Are you sure
you’re alright, my Queen? I’m fairly certain this is yet the third time you’ve
asked me this today alone.
Queen Lydia: Stop stalling
Mirror and answer me!
Mirror Lilly: Well alright,
though my answer hasn’t changed. I still think you and Snow White are both
beautiful.
Queen Lydia: WHAAAAAT????? HOW
CAN THIS BE???
Mirror Lilly: Really, Your
Majesty, you’ll crack my glass if you shriek like that.
Queen Lydia: That
incompetent Huntsman! He let me down! ARGH!
Mirror Lilly: Well, you did
give him very vag –
Queen Lydia: Very well! I
see I have to take care of Snow White myself!!!
Mirror Lilly: That’s very
sweet of you to take care of your step daughter like that! All step mothers
should be so giving.
Queen Lydia: Oh I’ll give
her something alright! I’ll give her something that will send her straight to
Heaven and back! You better watch out Snow White, I’m coming for you!!!!
-INTERMISSION-
Part 2 will be up in 2 weeks! ^_^ No author notes until next time but thank you to everyone who reads L&L!
Click here to read part 2!
Ha this rocks!
ReplyDeleteI apologize for the late reply! I didn't see this until now, but thank you very much! ^_^
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