Lissie & Lilly: The NOT Snow White! (Photostory)
Welcome back to the L&L Theater Ladies and Gentlemen! We’ve prepared for you tonight a tale filled with misguided intentions, inappropriate behavior, and technological advances! A tale more fabulous than air conditioning in summer, more relieving than a full roll of toilet paper, and sure to please all but those who are not pleased! Presenting… Snow White (Not)!
Narrator: Once upon a time, in a place that was neither here nor there, but definitely somewhere, there lived a princess so lovely she didn’t even know she was lovely. The Queen Mother had passed away shortly after she was born, but before then, she gave her daughter the name Snow White. This was a source of constant consternation for the poor princess who did not like the snow and certainly didn’t want to be white like it. Nonetheless, she did her best and faithfully dressed in the snow whitest linens she could find despite a little nagging voice in her head telling her white was a terribly inconvenient color.
Narrator: Many years later, Snow White’s father decided that it was unseemly to be without a queen to balance out family portraits so he remarried. The new Queen was so beautiful she knew exactly how beautiful she was.
Snow Cecile: Welcome to the palace Stepmother! I hope you find everything here to your liking. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make you comfortable.
Queen Lydia: Thank you Snow White. I wonder if you could tell me if there is a proper sized mirror in the palace?
Snow Cecile: A mirror, Stepmother? Is that the thing that farmers use to start bonfires by reflecting the sun? I don’t believe I have ever seen one but perhaps there is one buried in one of the towers.
Narrator: The Queen had brought her own small mirror with her but did not expect to find that no one at the palace knew what a mirror was.
Queen Lydia: Peasants! The lot of them! How else does one reaffirm one’s beauty without a mirror? How can anyone know what they’re worth without knowing how beautiful they are? I would have brought my large ceiling to floor wall mirror if I had known how backwards these people are. This one is much too small. I need something magnamous enough for me to be in awe at my own glory.
Queen Lydia: *Cough cough* My goodness! There’s so much dust up here that the last time this room was opened people still thought women shouldn’t be paid equally for doing the same work as men! Hmmm… old clothes, old furniture, old skeletons, nothing. I guess it was too much to hope –
Queen Lydia: Wait, what’s this bulky thing mummified over here? Let me get this off, hup! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mirror Lilly: Will you stop that please?
Queen Lydia: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! IT’S A FACE!!!!!!!! IT’S A TALKING FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mirror Lilly: That’s awfully rude and obvious! My name is Sawako Lilly, the Mirror of Truth. I won’t tell any lies and I do excellent Plato impressions.
Queen Lydia: AHHHHHHH – Wait, you mean you’ll answer any question I ask you honesty?
Mirror Lilly: To the best of my ability! And although my Aristotle impression isn’t as good as my Plato, I’m rather adept at that as well.
Queen Lydia: In that case you’re coming with me. I’ve got some questions for you. Well, only one question but I’ll have to verify it twenty eight times a day.
Mirror Lilly: Hurray! I can’t wait to leave this musty old attic! You don’t even know! The last time I saw a human face people still thought women shouldn’t vote.
Queen Lydia: There we go, perfect!
Mirror Lilly: My, you have a large room your majesty.
Queen Lydia: What use is a large room without without a large mirror? Now answer me, mirror, mirror, propped on my vanity, who’s the fairest of them all?
Mirror Lilly: Why, I suppose that must be cadavers or vampires your majesty. They have no blood which is why their skin is so pale.
Queen Lydia: No! Who’s the most beautiful woman in all the land?
Mirror Lilly: That would have to be you, though I should point out –
Queen Lydia: Hahaha! I knew it! My beauty is unparalleled! See you later Mirror! I’ll be back after I go bask in my own presence.
Snow Cecile: Wait! Stop rolling, that’s Stepmother’s room!
Snow Cecile: There you are. I guess my calves are a lot stronger than I gave them credit for.
Mirror Lilly: Hello there!
Snow Cecile: Goodness! You startled me! Hello to you too …?
Mirror Lilly: Sawako Lilly, the Mirror of Truth. I won’t tell any lies and I do excellent Plato impressions though my Aristotle isn’t too shabby either.
Snow Cecile: My, you are talented! I can’t do any impressions though I confess I am rather good at charades.
Mirror Lilly: Charades? How fun! I love a good game of charades! Though the last time I saw it being played women weren’t allowed to participate.
Snow Cecile: That’s really such a shame. My name is Snow White, by the way.
Mirror Lilly: It’s such a pleasure to meet you! Other than the Queen, I haven’t seen anyone else. Do you have any questions for me? I promise I’ll answer to the best of my ability.
Snow Cecile: Not really. Well, actually, do you know why my mother named me Snow White? I don’t like snow nor am I white so it’s always confused me.
Mirror Lilly: I’m sorry, I can only speak the truth and the truth is I don’t know. I’ve never met your mother.
Snow Cecile: That’s quite alright, thank you anyway! I must leave now but it was very nice meeting you.
Mirror Lilly: Bye bye! Come by and visit any time!
Queen Lydia: Ah, I am here, fully rejuvenated by everyone’s praise.
Mirror Lilly: Welcome back your majesty! While you were out, a wonderful –
Queen Lydia: Mirror, mirror, on my vanity! Who’s the fair-no, who is the most beautiful in all the land?
Mirror Lilly: Didn’t you just ask me this? Of course it’s you. No! Wait a moment, actually. I honestly say you and Snow White are both beautiful!
Queen Lydia: What? WHAT? Snow White???
Mirror Lilly: Yes, you know her? She’s such a delight!
Queen Lydia: Guards! Send for the Huntsman!
Huntsman MG: You summoned me Your Highness?
Queen Lydia: Get rid of Snow White! This instant!
Huntsman MG: Get rid of Snow White? What –
Queen Lydia: It doesn’t matter! I don’t care how you do it, just get rid of her!
Huntsman MG: But –
Queen Lydia: Do you dare defy the most beautiful woman in all the land? Go now!!!
Huntsman MG: Your Majesty!
Snow Cecile: Oh Huntsman, how can I help you? Why do you have such a confused expression?
Huntsman MG: Well, I’ve been given some very vague instructions and I’m not quite sure how to carry them out. The Queen has told me to get rid of you, but she never said how or where.
Snow Cecile: Get rid of me? Whatever could she mean?
Huntsman MG: That’s just the problem Princess, I couldn’t get anything else from her other than “Get rid of her”.
Snow Cecile: I think that’s her way of showing how confident she is in you! She must believe you’re clever enough to figure it out on your own.
Huntsman MG: I didn’t think of it that way. Why, in that case, I know! I’ll take you into the woods. It’s beautiful this time of the year. It’s perfectly safe too since the animals this time of year are so plump they’re not violent at all.
Snow Cecile: How exciting! I’ve always wanted to explore the woods but Father wouldn’t allow me for fear I would get lost.
Huntsman MG: Don’t worry Princess! It’s a straight path so you can’t possibly get lost. I’m sure the Queen will be pleased to hear how I’ve gotten rid of you in such a safe and pleasant manner. Follow me Your Highness!
Narrator: The gallant Huntsman guided Snow White to the edge of the woods and pointed out a well-traveled path to her. With a light heart and thick soled shoes, Snow White eagerly wandered into the thick trees and undergrowth.
Snow Cecile: These woods are so splendid but it does tire a person out. I wonder if I should turn back and head home now? Perhaps Father and Stepmother are worrying about me.
Snow Cecile: What’s that across the lake? Oh it’s such a lovely cottage! I wonder who lives there. Perhaps they’ll let me rest for a little before I return home.
Snow Cecile: Hello? Excuse me, is anyone here? This is such a quaint, clean cottage but there doesn’t seem to be much here. The people who live here must be the very practical sort.
Snow Cecile: I suppose this is the kitchen table, though there isn’t food on it. My goodness, the poor souls will come home hungry without having anything to eat. Perhaps I can try my hand at preparing a meal for them. I make a mean crème brulee even if the palace cooks didn’t want me using their blowtorch. Now where do they keep the pans?
Snow Cecile: Finished! Oh dear, I wonder if I didn’t make too much. I doubt anyone could eat 5 dishes of crème brulee.
Dwarf Lissie: AHEM! And EXCUSE ME! And also WHO ARE YOU?
Snow Cecile: Ahhh! You startled me! Oh dear! I mean you all startled me. My name is Snow White. Is this your home?
Dwarf Lissie: Princess Snow White eh? Only the royal type have such little sense they would wear white! What a ludicrous color for doing anything sensible! Putting aside the inconsistencies of your name and your poor taste in sturdy fabrics, what are you doing in the Den of the Daring Dwarves of Digging?
Snow Cecile: The Den of the Daring Dwarves of Digging? Are you all dwarves? Even…
Dwarf Lissie: Of course I am! I just have the recessive genes! And anyway, that still doesn’t explain what you’re doing here Miss-Princess-Not-Snow-White.
Snow Cecile: I’m very sorry for intruding and trespassing in your Den. My dear Stepmother asked our Huntsman to get rid of me so he brought me here to the woods. I was just about to head back when I saw your Den and hoped that I would be able to rest for a bit before I left. I do apologize for coming in, but I’ll leave now.
Dwarf Lissie: Wait just a moment! That’s fifty shades of rubbish! Why on flat and round earth are you going back if your stepmother wants to get rid of you? You’re lucky the huntsman brought you here instead of actually getting rid of you!
Snow Cecile: Why, she didn’t specify how long she wanted to get rid of me so I assumed she left it up to me. Besides, why would she want me gone for good? We’re already such good friends!
Dwarf Ivy: Hurry up, you’re killing my shoulders Ruthie!
Dwarf Ruthie: Don’t shake Ivy! I’ve almost got it.
Dwarf Cece: Hurry up you guys or it’ll all be gone.
Dwarf Caroline: This is so delicious!!! I can feel the fat thickening on my dwarfy thighs and I don’t even care!
Dwarf Addy: What is this anyway? I’ve never seen anything quite like it.
Dwarf Marie: Who cares what it is? It’s in my stomach now! Come here Lissie!
Dwarf Lissie: What is it? Can’t you see I’m busy!
Dwarf Addy: Never mind that, come here and try this.
Dwarf Lissie: Mhmmmmm! What is this? This is – Wait! Stop! That’s beside the point! I’m over here trying to intimidate and interrogate this trespasser and you all are just stuffing your faces like a whale at Krillfest with this… this… What is this gelatinous yellow blob anyway?
Snow Cecile: It’s crème brulee! What do you think of it? I was worried I made too much but not I’m worried I might not have made enough.
Dwarf Ivy: The best thing ever!
Dwarf Caroline: Gold for my colon!
Dwarf Ruthie: Please stay with us and make more!
Dwarf Lissie: Now see here Ruthie, just because this princess can make the most delicious thing we’ve ever had since popping out of the ground is no reason to invite her to move in.
Dwarf Cece: Why not? Seems perfectly sensible to me.
Dwarf Marie: Don’t be such a fuddy duddy Lissie. You know you want her to stay as much as we do. After all, you’re certainly not going to send her back to the Queen are you?
Dwarf Lissie: Oh alright then, but don’t say I didn’t warn you when the reputation of the Den of the Daring Dwarves of Digging is ruined because we gave way to gustatory temptations! Listen here Miss-Princess-Not-Snow-White, we, the Dwarves have voted to let you remain with us under the condition you continue making this artery clogging goodness. And change into a less white, more respectable color!
Snow Cecile: That would be so wonderful! Thank you very much! I hope Father and Stepmother won’t mind if I stay a few days extra. This is such a beautiful den after all. I’ll find something to change into right away!
Huntsman MG: I have returned, Your Highness.
Queen Lydia: Well? Did you do as I commanded?
Huntsman MG: I have gotten rid of the Princess, Your Majesty. Left her –
Queen Lydia: Body out for the vultures? A tad harsh perhaps, but well done! Are you positive she is gone?
Huntsman MG: Oh yes, she is quite gone, but I should add that her body –
Queen Lydia: Will never see another midnight snack ever again! Wonderful Huntsman! Wonderful! You have done exactly as I’ve asked!
Huntsman MG: Yes Your Highness, but –
Queen Lydia: Leave me now Huntsman, I will send for you when I need you. Now I must gloat! You may come later to bask in my beauty during my working hours Monday through Fridays, nine to six.
Huntsman MG: Yes, Your Highness.
Queen Lydia: It is done! I am finally rid of Snow White! Now, mirror, mirror, on my vanity, tell me, who is the fairest-no wait, grah, I keep forgetting, who is the most beautiful in all the land?
Mirror Lilly: Are you sure you’re alright, my Queen? I’m fairly certain this is yet the third time you’ve asked me this today alone.
Queen Lydia: Stop stalling Mirror and answer me!
Mirror Lilly: Well alright, though my answer hasn’t changed. I still think you and Snow White are both beautiful.
Queen Lydia: WHAAAAAT????? HOW CAN THIS BE???
Mirror Lilly: Really, Your Majesty, you’ll crack my glass if you shriek like that.
Queen Lydia: That incompetent Huntsman! He let me down! ARGH!
Mirror Lilly: Well, you did give him very vag –
Queen Lydia: Very well! I see I have to take care of Snow White myself!!!
Mirror Lilly: That’s very sweet of you to take care of your step daughter like that! All step mothers should be so giving.
Queen Lydia: Oh I’ll give her something alright! I’ll give her something that will send her straight to Heaven and back! You better watch out Snow White, I’m coming for you!!!!
Part 2 will be up in 2 weeks! ^_^ No author notes until next time but thank you to everyone who reads L&L!
Click here to read part 2!